helping myself fly

helping myself fly

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Brain:
Crayons
I really liked coloring as a kid
Hours 
I spent so many hours coloring
I should probably be so something better with this hour. 
Better
I just need to be better
I want to be better
How can I really be better
I can loose weight
Yes 
Yes I'll loose weight 
Days 
I usually only spend two days fully eating healthy and then I collapse
Back to the past
The pain was real and so were my friends dealing with the same issues
The sunsets really pretty
Why am I not grateful for more things in my life
Life
It's so hard 
I don't even know where I'm going and why I don't have anything to my name yet
I need to read my patriarchal blessing more
I need to write my friends on missions more
Ew
Germs on the keyboard
Germs
Germs
Germs
Germs
Wash your hands
Germs
Germs
Germs
Germs
Germs
Wash your hands
Eat something healthy
Come on eat something healthy
Go to the store and buy your family groceries
Save that money for savings
Help your family
Provide for yourself
And save for your future
Help your family 
Spend more time with Hannah 
Talk to Lishelle
Stop touching that and then touching your mouth
Ugh my socks are dirty and I just got in bed
Now I need to wash my sheets
I wish I had more money to buy the stuff like sheets and decorations
I just wish I already had a family
But I still want to live in the moment
Moment
Stop thinking about how dirty the carpet is and just be
Bee
B
Be
How will I spell that when I name my daughter
Will I have a daughter
Will I have kids
Oh my stomach hurts
Something's wrong with me
I'm sick
I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm fine
My Brain feels heavy
Brain

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Friday, August 19, 2016

All Because Two People Fell In Love


I felt inspired to read a couple verses before I started writing and I knew, before I started reading, that something was going to stand out to me. As I was reading in The Book of Mormon I read Jacob 2; 18-19, and knew that that was the verse to remind me of grandpa. That's the way he lived his life. My heart is so full. I feel my heart pounding the love that needs to beat out of us, as his posterity, into the world like grandma and grandpa have always done.

All:
The word that describes the amount of love they have for eachother and everyone of us.
All of it.

Because:
Because to them it never feels right to have a family event without all who can make it, and that's because they see the eternities, learning we need each other to make it there.

Two:
They didn't just have nine kids but always had open arms to any number.
Like the way they've never just been two together, but three with the companionship of God. Which they try earnestly to strengthen. 

People:
They've never asked for praise because they knew they were just people. People living, giving, and following the commandments. Yet they always knew they were children. Children of a God. A Heavenly Father who praised them, seeing from above the people they were saving by being the living, giving, and commandment following people they've been. 
  
Fell:
Falling has always been short, with them getting right to their knees knowing Christ fell for them.
Which made standing in his ways their forever choice.

In:
Inside their hearts and inside their minds fills the spirit. 

Love:
The word that makes all the hard easier. The word that took Christ to the cross, and grandpa the veil.
The word that makes all the hard worth it just like they new having nine kids wouldn't be easy, but that they'd create generations. 
Generations of faith to make the hard things easier. 
Easier for eachother, the future, the needy, the poor, the faithful, the struggling, the all. 

And it's all because two people fell in love. 
In love with the the plan of happiness, their testimonies, Heavenly Father, The Savior, and eachother.

"All because two people fell in love. I loved him from the first time I saw him, and I never dreamed he would be mine"

"Because I know you grandpa jay I want to know the savior" 

"I'm a believer because you are a believer"

"I'll miss you. I'll always remember you"

"You made me and my kids feel so special"

"I can't wait to be reunited with you again" 

"You were he first to talk with me and make me feel apart of the family"

"Thank you for helping make me the man I am today"

"I hope I can be more like you everyday"

"You've touched everyone of our lives in a special way"

"The legacy that he left us is one that's hard to follow" 

"The plan of salvation is the plan of happiness for all of us. And daddy wants that for all of us" 

"Daddy will have fun with Jesus" 

"Because of grandpa we believe in angels. We believe in miracles"

"I don't know if I'll ever be able to go to school again because he loved learning so much"

"I loved him from the first time I saw him, and I never dreamed he would be mine"

"Momma and daddy taught us how to love"

"This is not how all grandparents are. You are very blessed."
 
"We know he's watching and crying too."

"He was a champion of light. A desire for truth. To battle against unrighteousness"

"It's one thing to say, and it's another to say and do. Which is what he did."

"We can look around and see that God lives. And that the gospel is true. He's another testament of that."

"He's made believers out of all of us."

"They could of gone and traveled and saved money, but they chose to save and be with their kids."

"He knew what was really important. It was not the money."

"I know I'm not closed minded because he taught us to believe in anything that's good."

"With grandpa passing I've realized that I do have a lot to grieve and be angry about, but because of this gospel and grandpa's teachings I don't have to. I can come to understand that this is the plan of happiness. That everything I go through is to benefit me by coming closer to the Savior."

Take my hand and take it to salvation. To love another person is to see the face of God. 


Tuesday, July 26, 2016

I think one of my problems is my want to swim and float. I want the underwater feel and the breeze while floating all at once. I want that successful writer and pride in that and helping life. I want to live the way everyone wants but really I want to be different from the rest. It's like waiting on you tube for that song that's just going to hit you. and make you feel like you should get the credit for being the artist when you're just the one enjoying. But that's it. I want to be the artist and the people who have no interest but stare and try to understand each gallery. I want to be that girl with the normal husband family life when really I just want what I want to feel normal. And after awhile it gets hard pretending that you have confidence in what you believed you knew to be true about what you wanted. Or maybe even what you know you wanted, but even like that I can't just let myself be one or the other because if I stay on my side of the fence. Even watering the grass. I'll just want to hop it because I've never felt that kind of green. over there.
And that's where the problem starts
I've ripped too many jeans and torn too many ideas
But I keep finding a new pair a pants in every location and i'm happy with them for a while but then things start to change like just wanting a new finger nail color to match or major in schooling or thoughts about where I'm headed
and where others are
And then today things changed because I know now that comparison is the thief of joy. And that enjoying where I am is where I should be headed. And that I can make my grass on my side of the fence feel like any other green out there.
That I can become the artist and I do it through enjoying the views at each gallery. I can still have that normal family everyone wants and it wont be that normal but it will be to me. Because I'll always love things like matching every sock to a pair and throwing out what can't be fixed. I'll create and I wont be a swimmer or a floater because I'll be jogging or walking or strolling and those are the things I actually enjoy.

Monday, June 20, 2016

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6ns7yt1Jik




those posts that aren't everything you're wanting them to say, but they're as close as you can get for now

Friday, June 17, 2016

Prompt #4: What is your favorite work of art? What do you love about it? (6/13/15)

Listen/Read

The art that didn't need to happen.
Like me choosing sunlight on this page while I write in a meadow next to my best friends.
And I didn't even mean to set my converse down like the way I want my heart to fall in my first heartbreak.
The plane perfectly pictured in between the not-so-even trees.
There's cracks in the dirt that make me wonder how ants can take on the world where cracks are their canyons.
The canyon and how God and Christ spent 6 days creating nature and this world. I love that.  I love that he'd know we'd evolve to cities, gas, money, gas, cities and that we'd need a love for art that can't be drawn or written perfectly. I love rain on car windows and the inspiration I'm filled with just watching each drop.
Mostly I love the art people are, and the things we can create. and the way we can love. Either way I need to start loving myself because I know God created me too.
And I didn't need to realize that writing this but I did
The art that didn't need to happen.