Fearing

Dying in anyway
Getting old coming closer to death
Not getting married being alone for a long time
Getting married to the wrong person
Not being able to have kids my husbands reaction and feelings 
Having kids losing them and by not teaching them the right
Clocks ticking away my biological clocks always being off beat
Clowns at the Haunted Circus the people underneath the masks
Losing family and friends how I treat them before they go
Staying up late being tired when I want energy
Going to the wrong college having it effect the rest of my life
Meeting my "soul mate" not realizing it and having the courage to say hi
Performing of any kind having someone judge me based on one time
The dark me not being able to see
Getting old living wrong 
Living in anyway 

Dear future somebody,

I'm not sure if there's something called true love but I know that the title true love doesn't matter if you have something called pure love
Sometimes I find that knowing who I am is something only certain individuals can comprehend
I like eating peanut butter with my pancakes and want you to dance with me in the kitchen even if the  floor has crumbs we wasted
I'll understand what you're going through on a certain level of not knowing but wanting to know
And my love is only as I have been taught to purify it

RESIDENCY

Eat your veggies and run everyday longer than your knocked knees can handle

To people you are alright cuz they should never know if your hurting

Plan your future and except everything that will be heavy and wrong with a good light heart

Jump in the waters and show how great you can swim 7 miles 

Climbs trees but don't use shoes because protecting your feet isn't strong enough

Paint portraits of people you have never seen and places you'll never go

Love yourself yet do not show your love for yourself

Eat your slice of cake that is smaller then everyone else's and be happier then you would without it

Let your heart break and keep the pieces in your soul

Feel betrayed and still love  

Judge your friends and who you should consider and let know unkind thought enter your mind

Watch every movie and love all endings but never expect any of this to happen for you

Get straight A's and party all night long with all your 564 close friends

Never fear because having courage takes nothing but a lion suit

Laugh at everyone and only have one sense of humor 

Copy everyone around you and be an individual

Travel the world and don't be a tourist

Often times we think it's out of hatred they ask us of these things when in reality it is wanted from love and experience 

And not everything is impossible

You are possible
You are a resident in a place where others have stayed and most of those residents just want to make sure your more comfortable then their weekend stay

Check List To A Great Fall

Cool breeze
Warm outfits and drinks down our throats
Leaves changing like the people around us
Hair do's slowly falling down
Like the way I wish you were falling for me
Taste every flavorful pumpkin scent cuz it's only here once a year
Love the way the windows are down and the rhythms are pounding my ears
Scarfs everyday and then repeated
Heading up to a fire in the dark where your face is half lighted by it's flame
And cool breeze gets a little cooler
Rake the falling leaves that fell the way I did for you
Clean up the mess for a greater mess to hopefully fall
Walks following the trail others led
Because even though we know where we are going it's the scariest time of year
Best costume of all is the one all year long
Now we need three more layers to keep us the same
And cool breeze isn't cool but cold
The windows start to freeze and I can't see where I am anymore
Layers are successful at keeping the cold in
Then the white sprinkles fall from the clouds but they taste like water
We roll them up until it all melts and now we have circles to build upon
And the last check on the list is be thankful for the fall you had now that winter's here
Cuz winters can be fun too
It deserves a check list too
Just like me and you and the things we could do
But the leaves are done falling and they all fell but you
It's not that you haven't fallen but that you were the first
You already were a pile leaves raked up
The snow already fell on you and it tasted like sugar
And the fall was fun but now I'm scared of the landing cuz leaves aren't a pillow even in a pile

I sing the same song
come home

because he's not here
And won't be for awhile
He is in the right place
And the wrong situation
He sits at the table wondering why he can't stand
Going through life and feeling every emotion possible making life feel impossible
How can someone be expected to go through such a thing
Is it possible to hurt so bad on the inside and not show it on the outside?
No
That's why he is there
He seems so lost yet found through me and no one wants to understand that
This wrong situation makes me a secret letter wanting to be opened
And if I was opened I couldn't bare it cuz I don't want to be judged by my font and grammar
Plus I'm a story you won't understand
I'm tired of people wanting me to talk and not caring to listen

So I hope you want to listen
Your mind alone will want to hear
Hearing won't always work so see

See that I'm tired of life being hard and pretending it's not
I'm tired of being strong and weak because you shouldn't be allowed to be both

I'm tired of singing the same song
Come home

Because he can't and this world won't ever truly allow him too

He can't be here and there which takes him everywhere with his emotions
a place where there's only judgment on judgment itself

But I keep singing because

You're the only person who understands me and even when you're here your just leaving again
So come home

people are hard to get along with
like choosing my future when i dont have the belief that ill do the right thing
i try so hard to be good and end up
hearing the apologies replay over in my mind of what i could have said

i mean who knows if they really want to talk

most of the time they hear the clock tick and wait to hear themselves again

the fact is there are people hurting
people who can't even think of themselves because it kills them

but we
we are worried
worried about
we

who cares what they say if it doesnt add up
you know what its like to not be able to say what you fear clear
but its different cuz this one time for you
one thing for you
one moment for you

why do we let them sit alone
we sit with people who are hard to deal with for that yearbook memory lane day
when every night and every party is forgotten but you tell the future it was great

so they look for the experience you share and
and they cant find it because not only did you never lose it but you never
found it

and theres people lost
lost in our hallways
people who are what we are looking for but walk by
because we are lost in ourselves

but we
we are worried
worried about
we

who cares if what we do doesnt add up and if who we are wont add up
we are found in this group of people that are hard to get along with

found for a day that we can survive

until one day
the day we will wake up and realize we would have helped ourselves and many along the way
we could have been found
we could have found answers and helped another where to go

but this requires
this requires effort
effort to take your eyes
off your self

and look for the lost sheep
but i mean who really knows if they want to talk
or if they are happy with out knowing you
cuz that's all people are
we collect ideas and who we are based off what we see others are and what they accept

so what if we arent even ourselves for these people who need us

to many fears of questions

we go on
trying to survive
worried about we
worried about mostly me