I remember.

December I Remember
I remember when I was scared to raise my hand 1st grade and when that fear arose 1st period Friday. I remember praying my crush would be in my same class 6th grade so in 7th grade we could get married.
By eighth I moved and he didn't follow me back on Instagram.
I remember the first time I sold a glass of lemonade and used that change to fill my pocket space and nothing more
but greed.
My pants got to small and I started to realize that the number of my shoe size said I was growing too tall.
I distinctively remember wanting my glory days to come and my feet size to shrink.
I remember chasing boyz around at recess who didn't care to chase me back and I did that until the 9th grade.
and I remember sophmore year and doing things people wanted me to do. caring what people cared about. choosing wrong cuz to people it was right.
today I'm writing about December
when I'll say I remember this moment.
when I stopped caring what people thought about my appearance and why he won't ask me out.
I'll say I remember being the person people looked up to because at least I can look up to myself.
December I'll remember the moments I drink hot coco and stare at the stars
December I'll remember
the good and the bad and ill focus on the good.

I have been reading the blogs for two hours now
I've gotten pieces of inspirations and can't seem to put them together
I just hope that my heart cements the handprints your writing has impressed on me
I'm ready to learn your veins and the beatings your heart has to take
and I know the ways of my heart and want to learn the reasons yours has rhythm
I want to except the hardships of love because I'm ready to fall even if no one is there to catch me
At least that's what the pages tell me when I turn them
 And it's what I want
    And I want to, I want what I want to exist perfectly
I'm ready to fall because I know that even if maybe I shouldn't I could get caught
 but that's all I wanted and it was to learn how to imperfectly love perfectly
I feel it in the people and the stories I see
Todays blog is short in reality

I say I want to learn more hearts, but it's just a lie cuz I feel I've already learned yours and want I to stop searchin

My heart couldn't ever end with just one sentence anyway and nelson told us to keep working on our heart so I will until the beating stops and I can't seem to keep the rhythm of love

And if there's one thing you should know it's that my heart's always showing and growing in my hand
The bigger it gets the smaller I worry about how big it recieves

My eyes are openly placed for closing lids on judgment
That nose that's sitting beneath sight will sit and breathe rather than smell the vowels of the ground
There's a mouth underneath holes that strives to be a crooked beacon of light
My tongue hides only to surprise them with I've been there before
Necks turn and I'm training mine for good
Sometimes arms bend and break catching the fall yet strong and firm around many is what matters most of all
Hands for leading and waving things like don't give up, tie your shoes and you'll understand soon
My fingers are learning to braid trust and grip pillows fighting to keep the fun
Legs are funny because they hurt but know to keep walking towards finding ways to help
My toes curl to help keep my firmness in what's right rather than a stiffness of hatred
I am different limbs, parts, and senses
I am a walking life full of repeated mistakes
I am someone who can hurt
I am scared of the toaster popping
But most of all
I am placed here
I am placed here  adding up to be someone
who can make this world
I am placed here adding up to be someone who can make this world, with different walking lives who make repeated mistakes,
A better place 

A more perfect place to make mistakes

Fearing

Dying in anyway
Getting old coming closer to death
Not getting married being alone for a long time
Getting married to the wrong person
Not being able to have kids my husbands reaction and feelings 
Having kids losing them and by not teaching them the right
Clocks ticking away my biological clocks always being off beat
Clowns at the Haunted Circus the people underneath the masks
Losing family and friends how I treat them before they go
Staying up late being tired when I want energy
Going to the wrong college having it effect the rest of my life
Meeting my "soul mate" not realizing it and having the courage to say hi
Performing of any kind having someone judge me based on one time
The dark me not being able to see
Getting old living wrong 
Living in anyway 

Dear future somebody,

I'm not sure if there's something called true love but I know that the title true love doesn't matter if you have something called pure love
Sometimes I find that knowing who I am is something only certain individuals can comprehend
I like eating peanut butter with my pancakes and want you to dance with me in the kitchen even if the  floor has crumbs we wasted
I'll understand what you're going through on a certain level of not knowing but wanting to know
And my love is only as I have been taught to purify it

RESIDENCY

Eat your veggies and run everyday longer than your knocked knees can handle

To people you are alright cuz they should never know if your hurting

Plan your future and except everything that will be heavy and wrong with a good light heart

Jump in the waters and show how great you can swim 7 miles 

Climbs trees but don't use shoes because protecting your feet isn't strong enough

Paint portraits of people you have never seen and places you'll never go

Love yourself yet do not show your love for yourself

Eat your slice of cake that is smaller then everyone else's and be happier then you would without it

Let your heart break and keep the pieces in your soul

Feel betrayed and still love  

Judge your friends and who you should consider and let know unkind thought enter your mind

Watch every movie and love all endings but never expect any of this to happen for you

Get straight A's and party all night long with all your 564 close friends

Never fear because having courage takes nothing but a lion suit

Laugh at everyone and only have one sense of humor 

Copy everyone around you and be an individual

Travel the world and don't be a tourist

Often times we think it's out of hatred they ask us of these things when in reality it is wanted from love and experience 

And not everything is impossible

You are possible
You are a resident in a place where others have stayed and most of those residents just want to make sure your more comfortable then their weekend stay

Check List To A Great Fall

Cool breeze
Warm outfits and drinks down our throats
Leaves changing like the people around us
Hair do's slowly falling down
Like the way I wish you were falling for me
Taste every flavorful pumpkin scent cuz it's only here once a year
Love the way the windows are down and the rhythms are pounding my ears
Scarfs everyday and then repeated
Heading up to a fire in the dark where your face is half lighted by it's flame
And cool breeze gets a little cooler
Rake the falling leaves that fell the way I did for you
Clean up the mess for a greater mess to hopefully fall
Walks following the trail others led
Because even though we know where we are going it's the scariest time of year
Best costume of all is the one all year long
Now we need three more layers to keep us the same
And cool breeze isn't cool but cold
The windows start to freeze and I can't see where I am anymore
Layers are successful at keeping the cold in
Then the white sprinkles fall from the clouds but they taste like water
We roll them up until it all melts and now we have circles to build upon
And the last check on the list is be thankful for the fall you had now that winter's here
Cuz winters can be fun too
It deserves a check list too
Just like me and you and the things we could do
But the leaves are done falling and they all fell but you
It's not that you haven't fallen but that you were the first
You already were a pile leaves raked up
The snow already fell on you and it tasted like sugar
And the fall was fun but now I'm scared of the landing cuz leaves aren't a pillow even in a pile

I sing the same song
come home

because he's not here
And won't be for awhile
He is in the right place
And the wrong situation
He sits at the table wondering why he can't stand
Going through life and feeling every emotion possible making life feel impossible
How can someone be expected to go through such a thing
Is it possible to hurt so bad on the inside and not show it on the outside?
No
That's why he is there
He seems so lost yet found through me and no one wants to understand that
This wrong situation makes me a secret letter wanting to be opened
And if I was opened I couldn't bare it cuz I don't want to be judged by my font and grammar
Plus I'm a story you won't understand
I'm tired of people wanting me to talk and not caring to listen

So I hope you want to listen
Your mind alone will want to hear
Hearing won't always work so see

See that I'm tired of life being hard and pretending it's not
I'm tired of being strong and weak because you shouldn't be allowed to be both

I'm tired of singing the same song
Come home

Because he can't and this world won't ever truly allow him too

He can't be here and there which takes him everywhere with his emotions
a place where there's only judgment on judgment itself

But I keep singing because

You're the only person who understands me and even when you're here your just leaving again
So come home

people are hard to get along with
like choosing my future when i dont have the belief that ill do the right thing
i try so hard to be good and end up
hearing the apologies replay over in my mind of what i could have said

i mean who knows if they really want to talk

most of the time they hear the clock tick and wait to hear themselves again

the fact is there are people hurting
people who can't even think of themselves because it kills them

but we
we are worried
worried about
we

who cares what they say if it doesnt add up
you know what its like to not be able to say what you fear clear
but its different cuz this one time for you
one thing for you
one moment for you

why do we let them sit alone
we sit with people who are hard to deal with for that yearbook memory lane day
when every night and every party is forgotten but you tell the future it was great

so they look for the experience you share and
and they cant find it because not only did you never lose it but you never
found it

and theres people lost
lost in our hallways
people who are what we are looking for but walk by
because we are lost in ourselves

but we
we are worried
worried about
we

who cares if what we do doesnt add up and if who we are wont add up
we are found in this group of people that are hard to get along with

found for a day that we can survive

until one day
the day we will wake up and realize we would have helped ourselves and many along the way
we could have been found
we could have found answers and helped another where to go

but this requires
this requires effort
effort to take your eyes
off your self

and look for the lost sheep
but i mean who really knows if they want to talk
or if they are happy with out knowing you
cuz that's all people are
we collect ideas and who we are based off what we see others are and what they accept

so what if we arent even ourselves for these people who need us

to many fears of questions

we go on
trying to survive
worried about we
worried about mostly me

like a brick we are ment to sink in the ocean
like a brick we are ment to build things and make them more solid
like a brick we are ment to only break things
not our selves
like a brick i sink and lose my way
like a brick i scream at my sister
like a brick i run with laughter
like a brick im full of every emotion
like a brick i'm
not like a brick
bricks arent ment for poetry just like im not ment for you
bricks dont care if you cry at night or dance in the mirror in the morn
bricks dont give a dang
and neither should i about you
i want to give you a reason to stay afloat
but i realize
if i'm not good enough
and what i say won't help you enough
and seeing the way the tides are coming
you'd rather jump in and most likely sink
then stay on land and hear me say i know its salty

i care if the world knows what my secrets are

i care if the world knows what my secrets are
i try and pretend to be perfect for all the imperfect people around me
i don't have a favorite color because i'm scared to be tied down to things
i have 75% of my confidence blown off me when i walk through the lone peak doors
i enjoy my alone time and sometimes i order and eat alone
i don't like the feeling of always having places to be because i lose where i am
i am annoying to sleep with because i spoon and need to feel something there
i still feel apart of me that's happy even when i'm sad and it makes me more sad

i care if the world knows what my secrets are

i cringe when i hear the word hate and cuss words ring in my ear until i want to say them myself
i love eating out and dreaming of my future home cooked meals
i involve effort with the things i truly care about and effort with the things i don't
i love that different seasons exists and every year the seasons are different
i feel that i'm over weight
i am always thinking about what i am doing verses what i should be doing
i get jealous over the size of frosting on cupcakes or what boys talk to other people over me

i care if the world knows what my secrets are

i get depressed sometimes
i love being center of attention
i had to think too long about how to spell the word center
i have A.D.D. and i don't even know how to write it out
i crave to write and be great at everything i do and feel like i fail when others don't think so

i care if the world knows what my secrets are

so i'm hoping telling the world what my secrets are will change that

i thought i was writing for you to love my lists....

                 

 



if you care to know me you probably already do
that's why i question my writing on this blog
 making these lists of things and ways for you to fall in love with me
but you, like many
you want someone to fall in love with the lists you, yourself have written
so,
so why are we writing blogs
we write for the art of writing some say

the art of my writing is
  attention
the art of my writing is
  attention from you
the art of my writing is
  hope
the art of my writing is
 hope i wish to give to you
the art of my writing is
 vulnerability
the art of my writing is
 vulnerability i wish to rub off on you

and if you know me you probably already know this
that's why i question writing on this blog

i thought i was writing for the art of writing
i thought i was writing for you to love my lists,
but
darling,
i'm writing
i'm writing so hopefully you will fall in love with you and your lists
and if you care to know me i hope you already love you